Dear Donna Bear

My darling daughter,

I may not have written in a while, but not a day goes by without me thinking of you. I have your picture as the background on my phone because it keeps you close to me.

Yesterday was father's day and it was really rough on your poor daddy. I tried to make his day as pain free as possible, but he misses you as much as I do and it really tears at his heart that you are not here with us. He is feeling better today, but I know he hurts inside. Today I gave your daddy a silly father's day card to cheer him up. He loved that!

You have a new cousin coming in February. I wish you had a brother or sister coming then as well, but so far no luck, my dear. I think that is hard on your daddy too. I know that it hurts me when another month goes by and there's no baby.

Today your daddy and I celebrated our neighbor's third birthday. She is a sweet girl and we enjoyed celebrating her birthday. She had a Mini Mouse theme. :) Behave yourself up there my darling. Give your grandmother a kiss from your daddy. Enjoy playing with Serenity, Brielle, and Owynn.

I miss you,

Mama

What does a soul look like?

I keep a picture of my daughter on my phone. It helps me to keep her close to me. It occurred to me today that my baby is only her soul now. It makes me wonder what her soul looks like.

Mother's Day

today in church all mothers were asked to stand up while they were recognized. I cried all the way through. They told me "You are a mother too." But I often don't feel that way with her gone.

Grief

It weaves in and out, a cobra taunting
It ebbs and flows, a tidal wave at times
To wrestle it is ever so daunting
Yet giving in to it exceeds all crimes   
It overwhelms, it crushes, it subdues
It pricks, it wiggles into many lives
It tugs at hope, wishing to pull it loose
Sometimes it seems to die, but it revives
A dull and steady ache, and yet it burns
A whirlpool, but one that loses pull
Expressions of this state the world spurns
But condemns those who lack it most of all
How lucky those who never suffer grief
Oh Pity those of us who seek relief.

Spring Grief

Today Ben and I took his father to Fort Collins to view an apartment. On our way back, I saw a woman pushing her baby in a stroller over to a park close to our home. It kicked me in the gut. I should be that lady now. I should be taking my baby for walks on beautiful days like today. I should be fussing over making her comfortable in her stroller and keeping her booties on her precious little feet. I should be chattering away at her as I clean my kitchen and make dinner for her daddy. I should be singing to her to sooth her crying. She never got the chance to cry and I never got the chance to sooth her.

Happy Easter

My darling Donna Rose,

Happy, happy Easter, my precious little girl. I hope you're enjoying the Easter Celebrations up there in Heaven. Mommy had so many plans for your first Easter. I wish I had been able to make you an Easter basket and an Easter bonnet this year. I would have put you in a pretty dress and all the ladies at church would have cooed over you. I know you're enjoying the festivities up there in Heaven. Jesus is taking special care of you and your angel baby friends, I am sure. I miss you more than I can say, my dear. Daddy misses you too.

Love,

Mommy

Normally, when I write in my blog, I am upset about something. I come to write because I'm marking a day of significance in Donna Rose's short life or because something I saw made me angry because my daughter isn't here or because I'm feeling her loss keenly. Today, I felt I should write about the way I have been feeling lately.

I will never forget my daughter. I will never wish that she wasn't here with me now. Right now I'm in a place of acceptance. The pain is like a tide at ebb. I know my daughter is gone. I miss her, but I am learning to live around her absence. I am functioning for the other things that have meaning in my life.

More pressing in my thoughts are my school, my students, and my husband (not necessarily in that order.) I'm also thinking about future plans. My husband has been telling me that he wants to move to South Dakota eventually, so I am doing my best to get us there sooner rather than later. I'm thinking about my friends and their problems which are more pressing than my own.

I'm also supporting my husband in his battles against injustice. Because this is tax month, my husband and I knew we were going to be short on cash and were going to struggle to put food on the table, so we applied for food stamps and ever since we've been battling with the department of human services. It seems that hard working tax payers cannot get help when they need it because the system is too busy serving lazy bums, drug dealers and illegal immigrant. It makes us very angry that our taxes fund programs like this which punish people who are trying to better themselves so they don't need to rely on the system and rewards people who abuse the system. Ben also battles with utility providers who make mistakes on our bills, though most of the time they are more willing to work with us to fix problems than government programs.