A Cloud

A cloud of darkness surrounds my heart making me weep.

So cruel, the loss of hopes I held most dear,

Over and over again, despite my attempts to steel myself,

To harden my heart.

Yet cruel hope springs up to entertain dreams of joy.

Then as it is dashed, it plunges me to despair, deep and dark.

The injustice of it angers me.

Why, when my heart could be so full of love,

Am I denied that which would receive it

And make it grow?

While others starve the ones around them,

Keeping all their care for themselves,

Why are those who need my love taken from me?

My Dear daughter,

I miss you so much. You should have been 4 months old yesterday. I keep thinking that now would have been a good time for a four generations picture with My grandma Gracie, your grandma Donna, you, and me. But they never got the chance to meet you, to see you, or hold you. You ought to be a chubby baby right now, so cute in your swim suit, going to the pool with Grandpa Art and your daddy and cuddling with your Grandma Donna. It makes me so sad that you never got the chance to do any of that.

It is so unfair that I didn't get to keep you and there are women out their who neglect or abuse their babies. And women who have baby after baby so they can stay on welfare. I'm beginning to despair of ever having children. Month after month goes by and I can't seem to produce a brother or sister for you. You have lots of cousins and I'm sure you'll have many more. I hope that will do for you, sweet princess. Mommy is getting tired and old and doesn't have much hope left.

Love,

Mommy

Box

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true ~ Jim Croce "Time in a Bottle"

I don't know why, but I have had Time in a Bottle lyrics running through my head for the last few days. I looked it up online to see a little of the history of the song and it turns out that Croce wrote it for his unborn son. No wonder it makes me cry, especially the lyrics above. After all, I have a box for wishes and dreams that never came true. It is a little wooden box with the picture of an angel burnt into it. It isn't even half full, that's how little my dream came true. Ben and I kept her in a place of honor before we moved. Now she is in our bedroom until we can again put up our memorial.

I miss you so much, Donna Rose.

Dear Donna Bear

My darling daughter,

I may not have written in a while, but not a day goes by without me thinking of you. I have your picture as the background on my phone because it keeps you close to me.

Yesterday was father's day and it was really rough on your poor daddy. I tried to make his day as pain free as possible, but he misses you as much as I do and it really tears at his heart that you are not here with us. He is feeling better today, but I know he hurts inside. Today I gave your daddy a silly father's day card to cheer him up. He loved that!

You have a new cousin coming in February. I wish you had a brother or sister coming then as well, but so far no luck, my dear. I think that is hard on your daddy too. I know that it hurts me when another month goes by and there's no baby.

Today your daddy and I celebrated our neighbor's third birthday. She is a sweet girl and we enjoyed celebrating her birthday. She had a Mini Mouse theme. :) Behave yourself up there my darling. Give your grandmother a kiss from your daddy. Enjoy playing with Serenity, Brielle, and Owynn.

I miss you,

Mama

What does a soul look like?

I keep a picture of my daughter on my phone. It helps me to keep her close to me. It occurred to me today that my baby is only her soul now. It makes me wonder what her soul looks like.

Mother's Day

today in church all mothers were asked to stand up while they were recognized. I cried all the way through. They told me "You are a mother too." But I often don't feel that way with her gone.

Grief

It weaves in and out, a cobra taunting
It ebbs and flows, a tidal wave at times
To wrestle it is ever so daunting
Yet giving in to it exceeds all crimes   
It overwhelms, it crushes, it subdues
It pricks, it wiggles into many lives
It tugs at hope, wishing to pull it loose
Sometimes it seems to die, but it revives
A dull and steady ache, and yet it burns
A whirlpool, but one that loses pull
Expressions of this state the world spurns
But condemns those who lack it most of all
How lucky those who never suffer grief
Oh Pity those of us who seek relief.