Right Now

Today, you should be 6 months old.

You should be rolling all over the place.

You should be making your daddy run after you.

You should be smiling, giggling, and making cute sounds.

You should be eating soft foods, like cereal and 'nanas.

You should be playing on your back with toys hanging on a baby gym

But instead, you're spending the time in Heaven. You've been there a little more than 10 months, my dear. Perhaps you're starting to uncurl your baby wings. Maybe the angels sing you to sleep at night. And perhaps Jesus holds you and hugs you because Mommy can't just yet. It's so hard, my dear, to be left behind. There are days when I would give anything to change places with you because having you gone just hurts so much. Your daddy and I miss you and think about you every day. I wish we could see what you are like. How you grow and develop, if people do that kind of thing in Heaven. I love you, my little rose. 

How I'm feeling

Forgive me for turning away when you announced that you have a brand new baby in your life. I can't help it. Part of me is very happy for you, but a lot of me was hurt by your announcement. You see, I should have been able to announce MY brand new baby last March, but in October something dreadful happened. No one knows why. My baby was born too soon, and so I never got to take her home. All these firsts that you are experiencing, I didn't get to do. I had barely begun to feel her kick inside me before she was gone. I had to leave her at the hospital knowing I would never get to see her again. I kissed her tiny cold head and said goodbye. I will never see her first smile. I will never see her first step. I will never send her off to school for the first time, or help her pack to go to college. I will never see her first communion or her baptism. So, yes I am happy for you. But I'm also very devastated for me.

This time last year

This time last year, I introduced your grandpa to your daddy
This time last year, your grandma was so hurt by me, that she wasn't speaking to me
This time last year, your uncle left for college for the first time
This time last year, your aunts judged your daddy and determined he wasn't so bad.
This time last year, I played with your cousins, dreaming of the day they would play games with you.
This time last year, your daddy yelled "Aaaaffffffflaaaaaaaccc!" at ducks on a lake and I laughed.
This time last year, I started, ever so slightly to feel you move inside me
This time last year, I was making plans for caring for you during your first months.
Oh how I miss this time last year.

A Cloud

A cloud of darkness surrounds my heart making me weep.

So cruel, the loss of hopes I held most dear,

Over and over again, despite my attempts to steel myself,

To harden my heart.

Yet cruel hope springs up to entertain dreams of joy.

Then as it is dashed, it plunges me to despair, deep and dark.

The injustice of it angers me.

Why, when my heart could be so full of love,

Am I denied that which would receive it

And make it grow?

While others starve the ones around them,

Keeping all their care for themselves,

Why are those who need my love taken from me?

My Dear daughter,

I miss you so much. You should have been 4 months old yesterday. I keep thinking that now would have been a good time for a four generations picture with My grandma Gracie, your grandma Donna, you, and me. But they never got the chance to meet you, to see you, or hold you. You ought to be a chubby baby right now, so cute in your swim suit, going to the pool with Grandpa Art and your daddy and cuddling with your Grandma Donna. It makes me so sad that you never got the chance to do any of that.

It is so unfair that I didn't get to keep you and there are women out their who neglect or abuse their babies. And women who have baby after baby so they can stay on welfare. I'm beginning to despair of ever having children. Month after month goes by and I can't seem to produce a brother or sister for you. You have lots of cousins and I'm sure you'll have many more. I hope that will do for you, sweet princess. Mommy is getting tired and old and doesn't have much hope left.

Love,

Mommy

Box

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true ~ Jim Croce "Time in a Bottle"

I don't know why, but I have had Time in a Bottle lyrics running through my head for the last few days. I looked it up online to see a little of the history of the song and it turns out that Croce wrote it for his unborn son. No wonder it makes me cry, especially the lyrics above. After all, I have a box for wishes and dreams that never came true. It is a little wooden box with the picture of an angel burnt into it. It isn't even half full, that's how little my dream came true. Ben and I kept her in a place of honor before we moved. Now she is in our bedroom until we can again put up our memorial.

I miss you so much, Donna Rose.

Dear Donna Bear

My darling daughter,

I may not have written in a while, but not a day goes by without me thinking of you. I have your picture as the background on my phone because it keeps you close to me.

Yesterday was father's day and it was really rough on your poor daddy. I tried to make his day as pain free as possible, but he misses you as much as I do and it really tears at his heart that you are not here with us. He is feeling better today, but I know he hurts inside. Today I gave your daddy a silly father's day card to cheer him up. He loved that!

You have a new cousin coming in February. I wish you had a brother or sister coming then as well, but so far no luck, my dear. I think that is hard on your daddy too. I know that it hurts me when another month goes by and there's no baby.

Today your daddy and I celebrated our neighbor's third birthday. She is a sweet girl and we enjoyed celebrating her birthday. She had a Mini Mouse theme. :) Behave yourself up there my darling. Give your grandmother a kiss from your daddy. Enjoy playing with Serenity, Brielle, and Owynn.

I miss you,

Mama