Dear Donna Rose

It's been four months since I held you and every day it's a little bit harder. I should be as huge as a hippo right now, with you growing big in my belly. Every day I wake up and know that you're not there and it hurts a little bit more. Your daddy gets a little bit sadder every day too. We hold each other when we can't help but cry. Things that used to comfort us don't work so well anymore.

We've been talking with other mommies and daddies who've lost their little ones. Their stories are so sad, my dear. Some of them are in worse condition than your mommy and daddy. My heart hurts for their pain. I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave to make the world better.

Love,

Mommy

My Soul Screamed

What happens when a piece of you is ripped away? Last October, this happened to me. My soul screamed. It cried in heavy anguish, "My baby! My baby!" just as in Mathew it says

"In Rama was there a voice heard, lamentation, and weeping, and great mourning, Rachel weeping [for] her children, and would not be comforted, because they are not."

So my soul cries since last October. Sometimes my heart's anguish is tempered. I can laugh on occasion. I can enjoy. BUT a piece of me is missing, and every now and again, the rip on my soul pulls wide open and I cry again "My baby! My baby!"

Sonnet

Reflection only fills my heart with grief
Oppressive feelings flood my fainting mind
She came, and in her lingering all too brief
Evoked a pain most cruel, most unkind
Remembrance steals my joy, oh what a thief
Obliterating hopes and future dreams
Sleep comes to give a temp'rary relief
Evaporates with early morning beams
"Remove from me this state of endless pain!
Oh give me comfort, give me some respite!
Suppress the waves of anguish once again!"
Exclaims my soul in search of healing light
Robbed of my peace, with fate I must conspire,
Seeking to find the cure for my desire

New Terminology

Since Donna Rose earned her wings, I've entered a society with new terminology. Brand new terms that I would never have thought of before she was gone. Below are a few of the terms I've learned.

Angel Baby - An infant who has died

Angel Mommy - A mother who's child has died

Angel Daddy - A father who's child has died

Angelversary - The anniversary of the day your child died

Cerclage - An incredibly painful procedure to sew the cervix shut to prevent miscarriage

CHD - Congenital Heart Defect

DBL - Dead Baby Land

Earned His/Her Wings - A reference to the death of a baby

BLM - Baby Loss Momma

BLP - Baby Loss Parent

Broken Heart - Intense, sometimes overwhelming feeling of grief

Death - The adversary we fought who beat us.

Fly High (baby name) - An expression of sympathy

Grief - The normal state of being for a BLM or Angel Daddy

Heaven - The place where our baby waits for us to come hold her (him)

Miscarriage - Losing a baby before 20 weeks of gestation

NICU - Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit

Pain - A piercing, agonizing feeling which crops up at the most inconvenient time.

Rainbow Baby - The first child born (and surviving) after the death of an infant

Stillbirth - Losing a baby after 20 weeks of gestation but before he/she is born

Strength - Having a good support system, because while people tell us we are strong, we are really very vulnerable and weak.

Sympathy - An attempt by people who have never been through baby loss to understand. Often is misguided and causes more pain to BLPs

TTC - Trying to conceive

A Valentine Letter

Dear Donna Rose,

Happy Valentine's Day, my tiny. I hope heaven is treating you well. I'm sure you're making lots of friends with the other angel babies up there. Your father and I miss you very much. We only had you here for a very short time, but you are always in our hearts.

Daddy was so excited for Valentine's Day three weeks ago that he gave me two Valentine cards right away. They made us both laugh. Then this morning, he woke me up before he went to class, telling me he needed help with something downstairs and gave me a big box of chocolates. I nearly cried. Your daddy is a very generous man, my dear.

Both of us have a lot of sad days right now. We try to keep each other happy, but songs, movies, TV shows, and pictures on FaceBook have a way of needling at us until all we can do is cry. We are trying to be strong and heal because we know that you're happy where you are and that Jesus is taking very good care of you, but we miss you, Donna Bear.

Last Saturday your daddy and I renewed our wedding vows. I think we wanted everyone to see that we REALLY meant what we said on the day we were married. My grandma and uncle came out for the ceremony and your Grandpa Tim was there. The church was very kind in welcoming them all and I think they felt very loved.

I miss you, my little rose.

Love,

Mommy