Neither Ben nor I realized how very hard it would be for us to go to church today. We got there, and I'm pretty sure we cried for a full half hour with all the hugs and sympathy from people. We are grateful for our church. We felt very loved, but it was incredibly difficult to be there. We stayed through the music. Wednesday I am certain we'll be a little more up to staying longer. Today it was just difficult. We know the people there love us and were excited for us to be getting married and have a little one. And we know they share our grief.But grief is a somewhat selfish thing, and I think I have a tendency to want to cling to mine, to cradle it as I did my little girl just a few days ago. I don't mind sharing with Ben, holding him and having him hold me. Crying together, remembering together, just being together. But he and I are pretty much part of each other, so grieving together is natural.
It seems so ungrateful of us NOT to want to share our grieving with anyone else, I guess. Our situation generates sympathy from complete strangers. The shortness of a human life, the loss to new parents, her tiny perfection are all things that generate sadness. In some ways I feel like I need to provide comfort to those who are expressing sympathy to us.