My Soul Screamed

What happens when a piece of you is ripped away? Last October, this happened to me. My soul screamed. It cried in heavy anguish, "My baby! My baby!" just as in Mathew it says

"In Rama was there a voice heard, lamentation, and weeping, and great mourning, Rachel weeping [for] her children, and would not be comforted, because they are not."

So my soul cries since last October. Sometimes my heart's anguish is tempered. I can laugh on occasion. I can enjoy. BUT a piece of me is missing, and every now and again, the rip on my soul pulls wide open and I cry again "My baby! My baby!"

Sonnet

Reflection only fills my heart with grief
Oppressive feelings flood my fainting mind
She came, and in her lingering all too brief
Evoked a pain most cruel, most unkind
Remembrance steals my joy, oh what a thief
Obliterating hopes and future dreams
Sleep comes to give a temp'rary relief
Evaporates with early morning beams
"Remove from me this state of endless pain!
Oh give me comfort, give me some respite!
Suppress the waves of anguish once again!"
Exclaims my soul in search of healing light
Robbed of my peace, with fate I must conspire,
Seeking to find the cure for my desire

New Terminology

Since Donna Rose earned her wings, I've entered a society with new terminology. Brand new terms that I would never have thought of before she was gone. Below are a few of the terms I've learned.

Angel Baby - An infant who has died

Angel Mommy - A mother who's child has died

Angel Daddy - A father who's child has died

Angelversary - The anniversary of the day your child died

Cerclage - An incredibly painful procedure to sew the cervix shut to prevent miscarriage

CHD - Congenital Heart Defect

DBL - Dead Baby Land

Earned His/Her Wings - A reference to the death of a baby

BLM - Baby Loss Momma

BLP - Baby Loss Parent

Broken Heart - Intense, sometimes overwhelming feeling of grief

Death - The adversary we fought who beat us.

Fly High (baby name) - An expression of sympathy

Grief - The normal state of being for a BLM or Angel Daddy

Heaven - The place where our baby waits for us to come hold her (him)

Miscarriage - Losing a baby before 20 weeks of gestation

NICU - Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit

Pain - A piercing, agonizing feeling which crops up at the most inconvenient time.

Rainbow Baby - The first child born (and surviving) after the death of an infant

Stillbirth - Losing a baby after 20 weeks of gestation but before he/she is born

Strength - Having a good support system, because while people tell us we are strong, we are really very vulnerable and weak.

Sympathy - An attempt by people who have never been through baby loss to understand. Often is misguided and causes more pain to BLPs

TTC - Trying to conceive

A Valentine Letter

Dear Donna Rose,

Happy Valentine's Day, my tiny. I hope heaven is treating you well. I'm sure you're making lots of friends with the other angel babies up there. Your father and I miss you very much. We only had you here for a very short time, but you are always in our hearts.

Daddy was so excited for Valentine's Day three weeks ago that he gave me two Valentine cards right away. They made us both laugh. Then this morning, he woke me up before he went to class, telling me he needed help with something downstairs and gave me a big box of chocolates. I nearly cried. Your daddy is a very generous man, my dear.

Both of us have a lot of sad days right now. We try to keep each other happy, but songs, movies, TV shows, and pictures on FaceBook have a way of needling at us until all we can do is cry. We are trying to be strong and heal because we know that you're happy where you are and that Jesus is taking very good care of you, but we miss you, Donna Bear.

Last Saturday your daddy and I renewed our wedding vows. I think we wanted everyone to see that we REALLY meant what we said on the day we were married. My grandma and uncle came out for the ceremony and your Grandpa Tim was there. The church was very kind in welcoming them all and I think they felt very loved.

I miss you, my little rose.

Love,

Mommy

Donna's story

My husband and I met on the internet on a social networking site. I was engaged to someone else at the time and I appreciated that he didn't hit on me, so we became friends. When I broke up with that other gentlemen, Ben offered to fill the text-messaging void left in my life, and so we grew closer. And then one day we were in the middle of a text message conversation and I had to do something with my hands, so I called him to finish the conversation. It entirely floored him, which made me laugh. Ben and I decided it was a good idea to meet in person. At the time, he was living nearly 300 miles away from me. He tried twice to come up and visit me, but his car broke down and he wasn't able to come to me. So eventually, I made it down to see him. I had never met anyone so gorgeous who was interested in me. You could say it was love at first sight. We've barely spent any time apart since that day. I spent as much time in his town with him as I could until he could move up with me.

One of the things we'd discussed online was our mutual desire to have children some day. We weren't being careful, so when my period was late last July, I knew that I was expecting. I took a pregnancy test right away and sure enough, it came back positive. Ben was so thrilled he was on the phone almost immediately telling people that we were looking for a larger apartment. I was a little more nervous. My family hadn't met Ben yet and I knew they would be upset with me for getting pregnant outside of wedlock. We waited some time to tell my parents after that, and I still feel guilty about the worry I felt over telling them.

My father's reaction was not what I expected. He was calm and complacent and told me to be happy. My mother hit the roof. And then the morning sickness was absolutely awful. I welcomed that, though, because to me, being sick meant that my pregnancy was healthy. Ben and I started planning our wedding and things seemed to be going well.

Then in late October, I had an abnormal pain in my abdomen. I was worried, but it wasn't until I started spotting that I really became concerned. I made Ben take me to the ER. They pulled out an ultrasound machine and told me that the amniotic fluid sack was protruding into my cervix. They thought that it was leaking, accounting for my spotting and they gave me three options. 1) Wait and see 2) Fly to Denver 3) Terminate. There was no way Ben or I would choose to terminate, we loved our little baby. Ben made the decision to have me flown to Denver.

The doctors at University hospital told me that my sack was NOT leaking, but that it was protruding and that we had three options. 1) Wait and see, 2) Attempt a procedure to push the amniotic fluid sack back and sew the cervix shut or 3) Terminate. They said chances of her surviving option 1 were slim. The chances of 2 working were 50-50. We'd already determined that option 3 was not an option for us. I chose option number 2.

While I was being transported and the doctors were examining me, Ben was getting things together and calling people to let them know that I was in the hospital and something was wrong. He called my sister to let her know things weren't going well and she called my parents. It took him several hours to join me in Denver, but once he was there he never left my side.

The doctors said that in order to do option 2, they needed to make certain that I didn't have an infection and that they could do this by taking a sample of the amniotic fluid and test it, but there was a risk that this would start labor and if labor started, they wouldn't stop it because most likely then there WAS an infection. They said that if I went into labor, she would not survive because it was too early for her lungs to be developed.

I called my parents to let them know what was going on. My mother answered and it was the first time I'd heard her voice since I told my parents I was pregnant. That was when she finally realized that my Ben was a good guy, because he stuck with me all through our ordeal and kept the family in the loop.

The doctors took a sample of amniotic fluid (Which REALLY hurt) and about half an hour later, contractions started. I had 12 grueling hours of labor, knowing that my little baby wouldn't make it. Our pastor came down while I was in labor and prayed with us. He was there when my water broke. They delivered Donna Rose, determined that her heart wasn't beating, cleaned her up a little and placed her in my arms.

Since that time, Ben and I have grown even closer. He's been amazingly strong and such a comfort to me. Our wedding was three days before Christmas. We think our little girl would be pleased that her mommy and daddy are clinging to each other trying to get through all this.

Poems for Donna Rose

For Her

She tosses through the night in broken sleep

No comfort does she find, no sweet repose

There is no help for her in counting sheep

For she can only dream of Donna Rose

The emptiness consumes her as she weeps

Her troubled mind is full of all her woes

Her broken heart a steady rhythm keeps

In honor of her darling Donna Rose

No sound she makes, no whisper, not a peep

Her silent tears she struggles to compose

Her memory, a jumbled, painful heap

And full of only thoughts of Donna Rose

She's overwhelmed for she did not suppose

That she could ever lose her Donna Rose.

December 12, 2010

Death reared his ugly head and looked me in the eye.

"The thing you cherish most is mine. It is no use to try.

I've come to steal your joy. I've come to dim your light.

I've come to magnify your pain and fill your soul with fright."

He took from me what I regarded as most dear

He pierced my soul clear through with his most cruel spear

He bruised my weakened heel and battered me about

He grasped my faith candle and tried to blow it out.

But with each breath he spent, the flame grew ever higher

In trying to dim my faith, he wrestled my messiah

Though I had little strength, he could not overcome

For God became my rock, my shelter and my home.

And Height and depth and death are powerless when faced

With God, his all surpassing love, his mercy and his grace

Donna Rose

Darling child, my precious little rose

Once I held you close within my womb

Now, my Lord has drawn you ever close

Never once were you allowed to bloom

Always to be claimed by death's repose

Restless here, I long to see my babe

Observe your life as you mature and grow

See your tiny hands, your precious face

Embrace you, love you, never let you go

Week 5

Ben and I have been working through our grieving process as best we can. It isn't easy. There are days when all I want to do is cry. Ben has his moments of anguish as well. We'll be doing just fine and then a song will come on the radio, and we find ourselves weeping, missing our girl and feeling so helpless.

Both of us have experienced some anger, some need to blame someone. Me, I tend to blame myself, my body, for rejecting my darling little one. Ben's anger is more that the doctors didn't try to do something. They told us there was nothing they could do, but sometimes we wonder what would have happened if they had tried.

I was thinking about Donna today. Ben and I were shopping for clothing and we were having trouble finding a suit jacket to fit his long arms. It reminded me of how long Donna's arms and legs were in proportion to her body. She takes after her daddy. And she was so perfect to us, so beautiful.