Once more

My Dear Daughter,

Here we are coming up on the second anniversary of your birth and death. It's still very painful for your daddy and me. Two years ago today, I went into the ER in Greeley, a little bit worried because of spotting, but never dreaming that it could mean your death. I remember the worried looks from the nurses and doctors. I remember the cold helicopter ride to Denver. And I remember the pain of everything that happened the next day there. In a couple of years, we will have to explain to your little brother why October 28 is such a special day. I remember so many things about that day clearly. I remember talking to your Grandma Donna on the phone. I remember the sheer exhaustion from being up all night. I remember the pain and the mental numbness of that night. I remember the sense of dread, knowing that I wouldn't get to take my baby home with me. I remember holding you for the first time and how very tiny you were. I remember marveling over how perfectly formed you were. I remember your body heaving in my hands as though you were trying to breathe, but the doctors said your heart had stopped before you were born. I remember dressing you in the little clothes they gave us and wrapping you in the blanket someone had made for you. What a blessing to us was the care that someone took to make clothes and blankets for an angel they would never meet. I remember crying with your daddy. I remember talking to your Aunt Miranda on the phone and the heartbreak in her voice when I told her you wouldn't make it. I remember feeling like I had to comfort her because she sounded so much sadder than I did, but the finality of your death hadn't hit yet. And I remember talking to your Aunt Beth, though I don't remember what she had to say.

I think your daddy and I are learning to live around our grief pretty well. Fewer things make us sad and we can rejoice in the miracle of your short life now. However, we miss you deeply and your absence causes us both a deep pain. As long as we live, you will never be forgotten.

Love always,

Mommy

Dear Donna Rose

My dear daughter,

Daddy told you that your new brother has arrived and he is here safely. I wonder what you would think of him if you were here now. I wonder if you would be jealous as my brother was jealous of me. You would still be little more than a baby yourself, but I think you would be very excited to be a big sister. I am certain you would adore little Tony and would try to be Mommy's helper. I miss you every day. I know Daddy does too. Sometimes we find each other crying because we miss you so much. You are a hero, my little girl. You saved your brother's life. Because of you, we knew what to do to get your brother here safely and we know what to do for any future siblings. The doctors have diagnosed me with an incompetent cervix, which means I will always need help to carry babies to full term. We would never have known if not for you, my dear. I wish we had known before you were born because then we could have you both here with us. I love you, honey, and am so grateful for your brief life.

Mommy

You Made Death Beautiful

I saw an evil looking hag,
Cackling over what she brewed.
Poison, I felt so sure, she made.
Evil was in all she strewed
But when you crossed the dark threshold
You softened my harshest view
The crone looked more like dear grandma
Lovely and inviting too.
The once dark doorway now holds light
A candle flame burning bright

I saw a reaper, dark and grim
Striding down the avenue
Spreading dark shadows in his wake
Fear and panic were his crew
But when you took him by the hand
You softened my harshest view
For he appeared a wizened man
With love, care, and hope to strew 
The once dark doorway now holds light
A candle flame burning bright

I saw Death to be the ending
Of the life I thought I knew
A precipice, a deep ravine
Terrifying to go through
But when you set out on that path
You softened my harshest view
For Death became the door that lead
To a reunion with you
The once dark doorway now holds light
A candle flame burning bright

To my little angel

Dear Donna Rose,
    Your little brother is here with us now, and you aren't. It's not your fault you aren't, there's no blame to place. But we miss you. Every time I hear Arthur Anthony cry I hear you in there. I know I never heard a cry from your lungs, but I hear it in him. You're here with us, not in body but in spirit. Your brother will know of you even if he won't know you until we all meet after this life. I just wanted you to know we have not replaced you. We never could, nor would we want to. We love you and always will. But, we also love your brother, and will do so to honor your memory.
                                                                Love,
                                                                 Dad.

A letter to my daughter

Dear Donna Rose,

Right now, I am sitting in a hospital room waiting for your little brother to decide when he wants to come. This hospital room is only a little like the room they put me in when you were born. It's a much smaller room, but that's not a bad thing. The only people in here most of the time are the nurses and me. Sometimes the doctor comes by to have a chat and your daddy comes to visit when he isn't working. In your hospital room, There were at least three doctors and two nurses all the time. I was attached to monitors all the time and stuck in bed. Here, they attach monitors every 8 hours and check your brother's heart beat every 4 hours or so. I can't help but compare the differences between then and now. We were so sad in that room. In here, I have some roses your daddy gave me and one of our Donna Bears so that you will always be a part of your brother's life. Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I remember how hard last year's Mother's Day was. In church, they asked all mothers to stand up and I didn't know if that included me or not. I certainly didn't feel like a very GOOD mother. The ladies in church made me stand up too and I cried. Your daddy and I think about you all the time. We miss you so very much and wish you were here with us getting ready for your little brother to come.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Donna Rose

My dear daughter,

It seems that mommy will have more time to write to you these days.  The doctor decided that we need to be cautious with your little brother and has put me on bed rest for the next three months. I'm hoping this works out and that your little brother grows to full term before he is born.  Reading my baby books makes me think of you.  I never got to this point in pregnancy with you, but my books are now talking about labor and delivery.  It reminds me of the day we lost you.  I remember the painful contractions and how they hurt more and more the further I got along.  I remember allowing them to give me stronger and stronger medications to ease the pain because I was hurting so much emotionally that I couldn't handle more pain on top of it.  I remember finally falling asleep after they gave me the epidural and then waking up when the pain got to be too much for the epidural to ease.  I remember the sensation of my water breaking and how short a time it took for you to be born after that.  I remember holding your precious little body for the first time.  You were already gone, but we needed to touch you and to see you. I remember the pain in your daddy's face. I remember dressing you in the clothing they gave us for you. I remember marveling over the perfection of your tiny body.  I remember how your arms and legs seemed so long, just like your daddy. I remember your tiny, perfect fingers with their finger nails.  I remember the kind nurse who took pictures of you for us. I remember being moved to a recovery room and your daddy going to get tamales and ice cream.  The owner of the tamale place prayed for us with your daddy. I remember holding your cold body one last time before we left the hospital.  It was so hard to know I could never hold you again. I'd held you for 5 months inside me, and now I'd never get to hold you any more. I listened to your memorial service again this week. Your daddy found the CD as we were packing up stuff to move yet again. I scrambled last minute to find scripture and songs for the service.  The church played every song I suggested and read every scripture I had picked. I love you so much, Donna Rose.  I will always remember.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Donna Rose

My dearest Donna Rose,

Oh how I miss you. It hardly seems possible that it has been more than a year since I carried you inside me. Now, with your little brother or sister living there, I am reminded of what it was like to have you inside me, to feel you move.

I picked up my copy of "Oh Baby, the places you'll go!" yesterday to read to your sibling. I remember reading it to you with so much love. I had no idea the place you would go included heaven and that the wonderful friends you would meet would not include your daddy and me. I wept through the last pages.

I find that I can't sing to your sibling without a tremor in my voice because I remember the songs I sang to you. Your song was "Lida Rose" from The Music Man, but I always sang it as Donna Rose. That used to be one of my favorite movies, but now I can't watch it without crying.

My life is very different from what it was before you came. There are some very good changes, but also some things that I wish weren't so. I'm so glad I have your daddy. He's the very best part of my life. Your grandpa and grandma (my mommy and daddy) are so good to us too and you have lots of loving aunts and uncles who are sad they never got to meet you.

I'm a lot more fearful than I used to be. When I carried you, I didn't worry very much about the aches and pains. My body was changing for the first time. It was stretching to fit you inside. I worried about school, I worried about the future, but I never worried about you until the day we lost you. With your brother/sister, every ache scares me. Every pain screams "you could lose this baby too!" I am not so innocent anymore. It bothers me to see clueless, happy pregnant women. I want to warn them that you're never safe from losing your baby. Sometimes I really have to bite my tongue. I'm getting better at that, though. People get very offended if you suggest that pregnancy isn't just a walk in the park and a joyful thing.

I am hoping that I continue to grow this year. I hope it gets easier to be joyful and less easy to be terrified. I am hoping that your brother/sister will grow to full term and have a chance to live outside my womb. I still have so much growing to do.

I love you, Donna Rose. I wish I could watch you grow and live.

Love,

Mommy

Poems for Donna Rose

For Her

She tosses through the night in broken sleep

No comfort does she find, no sweet repose

There is no help for her in counting sheep

For she can only dream of Donna Rose

The emptiness consumes her as she weeps

Her troubled mind is full of all her woes

Her broken heart a steady rhythm keeps

In honor of her darling Donna Rose

No sound she makes, no whisper, not a peep

Her silent tears she struggles to compose

Her memory, a jumbled, painful heap

And full of only thoughts of Donna Rose

She's overwhelmed for she did not suppose

That she could ever lose her Donna Rose.

December 12, 2010

Death reared his ugly head and looked me in the eye.

"The thing you cherish most is mine. It is no use to try.

I've come to steal your joy. I've come to dim your light.

I've come to magnify your pain and fill your soul with fright."

He took from me what I regarded as most dear

He pierced my soul clear through with his most cruel spear

He bruised my weakened heel and battered me about

He grasped my faith candle and tried to blow it out.

But with each breath he spent, the flame grew ever higher

In trying to dim my faith, he wrestled my messiah

Though I had little strength, he could not overcome

For God became my rock, my shelter and my home.

And Height and depth and death are powerless when faced

With God, his all surpassing love, his mercy and his grace

Donna Rose

Darling child, my precious little rose

Once I held you close within my womb

Now, my Lord has drawn you ever close

Never once were you allowed to bloom

Always to be claimed by death's repose

Restless here, I long to see my babe

Observe your life as you mature and grow

See your tiny hands, your precious face

Embrace you, love you, never let you go

To our little Donna Rose

Your mother and I love you very much. We miss you more than we could possibly say. You were only in our lives a short time and taught us so much. I won't say we aren't sad you're gone. We're devastated. But we're so happy you were with us the short time. You brought your mother and I closer together. We thank you for that. You brought us closer to God. We thank you for that too. We take consolation in the fact that you'll never know heartache , you'll never know pain. You're be happy and healthy for all eternity. You'll never know sickness. We'll never get to see you take your fist steps, but we'll never have to console you after getting your heart broken.

We honor your memory, We love you, and we'll celebrate your short life. We miss you already, so very much. And we love you, more than I could ever say.

Love,

DAD.