The troubles with TTC

Once the doctor cleared my health, Ben and I decided to TTC. It's been a very frustrating thing. I get my hopes up, start dreaming of a new baby, and then am crushed to find out that we weren't successful. In some ways, it's like losing another baby, because I have this pretty little scenario all in my head. I so badly wanted us to be successful last month. It would have been a bit of justification to me for losing Donna Rose. Had it worked, her brother or sister would not have been able to exist had she been full term. Here we are again at a point in the month where my hopes are high and I am starting to dream again. I'm not looking forward to the roller-coaster dip should we not have been successful this month, and it is so hard to wait to know. Ben is equally impatient, wanting me to take pregnancy tests well before they can tell us anything.

http://www.youtube.com/user/grmarmorstein?feature=mhsn

Can't sleep

When my husband suggested we go to bed more than an hour ago, I knew tonight was going to be another of those nights. He is snoring beside me and I can't seem to get myself to sleep. So many things today reminded me of how things were supposed to be right now. I am supposed to be awake and restless because my baby wants to nurse. I am supposed to be changing poopy diapers and bathing my sweet little one. Yet another friend posted a pregnant picture. She is 27 weeks along, past the magic viability mark. It felt like being jabbed with a pin. She looks so radiant and happy. There is no trace of fear that something might go wrong. I feel horrible for hating her right now because I didn't get to experience that and never will. I know that if my husband and I do manage to conceive again, there will always be fear for me that something will go wrong. I know I will be tempted to keep a pregnancy secret as long as possible just because of fear. But at least Ben and I are not letting fear hold us back.

St. Patrick's Day

May God give you... for every storm a rainbow, for every tear a smile, for every care a promise and a blessing in each trial. For every problem life sends, a faithful friend to share, for every sigh a sweet song and an answer for each prayer. ::Irish Blessing::

Right now it feels like our life is a storm with no rainbow in sight. We feel like we are drowning and the folks with the life preservers don't feel like throwing them to us. They'd much rather throw them to the people in the life boats. It's easy to save folks who aren't drowning. Much harder to help someone in a panic.We know we will survive the storm. After all, we follow the one who the winds and the waves obey. Right now, though, we're in the thick of the hurricane and things don't look so bright.

Dear Donna Rose

My darling daughter,

You're going to be tired of me telling you how much I miss you and how much I wish that I could hold you and nurture you and watch you grow. This week, your daddy decided you should not be alone on our memorial shelf for you, so he brought up your grandmother's ashes and put them next to yours. I never knew your Grandma Sophie, but your daddy tells me she was a wonderful lady. It made your daddy cry. In some ways, he has lost his past and part of his future so all that remains is the present. You were so small, darling, so fragile and innocent. We will never forget you and how you changed our lives.

Love,

Mommy

Candles for Donna Rose

A tiny beacon glows down here, a little spark of light.

It pierces through the atmosphere and twinkles in the night.

A candle lit in memory of our own Donna Rose.

Our candle burns throughout the day, though many do not see

You're in our hearts in the same way, a secret mystery

You burn inside our memory, our darling Donna Rose.

Our friends each light a candle too. They sympathize because

They know how much we both miss you, so each of them will pause

To light a little candle just to honor Donna Rose.

Due Date

Next Tuesday is the day the doctors told me was my due date. Every day I think "I should be huge as a hippo. I should be just about ready to pop!" And it seems so very unfair that I'm not. Ben and I have been TTC. Had we been successful before this, I might have felt losing Donna was in some ways justified because her brother or sister wouldn't have been able to exist had she gone full term. But since this hasn't happened, I don't even have THAT justification.

Dear Donna Rose

It's been four months since I held you and every day it's a little bit harder. I should be as huge as a hippo right now, with you growing big in my belly. Every day I wake up and know that you're not there and it hurts a little bit more. Your daddy gets a little bit sadder every day too. We hold each other when we can't help but cry. Things that used to comfort us don't work so well anymore.

We've been talking with other mommies and daddies who've lost their little ones. Their stories are so sad, my dear. Some of them are in worse condition than your mommy and daddy. My heart hurts for their pain. I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave to make the world better.

Love,

Mommy