Dear Donna Rose

My dear daughter,

Daddy told you that your new brother has arrived and he is here safely. I wonder what you would think of him if you were here now. I wonder if you would be jealous as my brother was jealous of me. You would still be little more than a baby yourself, but I think you would be very excited to be a big sister. I am certain you would adore little Tony and would try to be Mommy's helper. I miss you every day. I know Daddy does too. Sometimes we find each other crying because we miss you so much. You are a hero, my little girl. You saved your brother's life. Because of you, we knew what to do to get your brother here safely and we know what to do for any future siblings. The doctors have diagnosed me with an incompetent cervix, which means I will always need help to carry babies to full term. We would never have known if not for you, my dear. I wish we had known before you were born because then we could have you both here with us. I love you, honey, and am so grateful for your brief life.

Mommy

Christmas

Last year Christmas was an ordeal for me. Everywhere I looked, people were celebrating Jesus babyhood and that was really, really hard for me. It wasn't much easier for Ben. It was like slap after slap in the face reminding me that MY baby was in a box on our memorial shelf for her, that I could never hold my baby again.

This year it's a little different. Ben and I got married close to Christmas, so this year I'm looking forward to celebrating our anniversary and Christmas together. This year, it's easier to see the hope of Christmas. It still hurts to think that Donna Rose isn't here. My friend has a little girl who was born close to Donna Rose's due date. He posted that she's started to walk and that brings tears to my eyes. If things had gone they way they should have, I'd have to keep a very close eye on my daughter to keep her from pulling the glass ornaments off of our tree. I'd be happily wrapping gifts to surprise her with on Christmas day. But things didn't work out that way.  However, because Jesus came to earth as a baby so many years ago, I have hope that someday I can spend Christmas with ALL of my children in heaven. Without the miracle of Christmas, my daughter's death would be final. We would be separated for all eternity. But because Christ came and because Christ died, I know that someday I will see Donna Rose and we can rejoice in Christ together.

The troubles with TTC

Once the doctor cleared my health, Ben and I decided to TTC. It's been a very frustrating thing. I get my hopes up, start dreaming of a new baby, and then am crushed to find out that we weren't successful. In some ways, it's like losing another baby, because I have this pretty little scenario all in my head. I so badly wanted us to be successful last month. It would have been a bit of justification to me for losing Donna Rose. Had it worked, her brother or sister would not have been able to exist had she been full term. Here we are again at a point in the month where my hopes are high and I am starting to dream again. I'm not looking forward to the roller-coaster dip should we not have been successful this month, and it is so hard to wait to know. Ben is equally impatient, wanting me to take pregnancy tests well before they can tell us anything.

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