| "In Rama was there a voice heard, lamentation, and weeping, and great mourning, Rachel weeping [for] her children, and would not be comforted, because they are not." |
Dear Donna Rose,
Happy Valentine's Day, my tiny. I hope heaven is treating you well. I'm sure you're making lots of friends with the other angel babies up there. Your father and I miss you very much. We only had you here for a very short time, but you are always in our hearts.Both of us have a lot of sad days right now. We try to keep each other happy, but songs, movies, TV shows, and pictures on FaceBook have a way of needling at us until all we can do is cry. We are trying to be strong and heal because we know that you're happy where you are and that Jesus is taking very good care of you, but we miss you, Donna Bear.
Last Saturday your daddy and I renewed our wedding vows. I think we wanted everyone to see that we REALLY meant what we said on the day we were married. My grandma and uncle came out for the ceremony and your Grandpa Tim was there. The church was very kind in welcoming them all and I think they felt very loved.Mommy
My husband and I met on the internet on a social networking site. I was engaged to someone else at the time and I appreciated that he didn't hit on me, so we became friends. When I broke up with that other gentlemen, Ben offered to fill the text-messaging void left in my life, and so we grew closer. And then one day we were in the middle of a text message conversation and I had to do something with my hands, so I called him to finish the conversation. It entirely floored him, which made me laugh. Ben and I decided it was a good idea to meet in person. At the time, he was living nearly 300 miles away from me. He tried twice to come up and visit me, but his car broke down and he wasn't able to come to me. So eventually, I made it down to see him. I had never met anyone so gorgeous who was interested in me. You could say it was love at first sight. We've barely spent any time apart since that day. I spent as much time in his town with him as I could until he could move up with me.
One of the things we'd discussed online was our mutual desire to have children some day. We weren't being careful, so when my period was late last July, I knew that I was expecting. I took a pregnancy test right away and sure enough, it came back positive. Ben was so thrilled he was on the phone almost immediately telling people that we were looking for a larger apartment. I was a little more nervous. My family hadn't met Ben yet and I knew they would be upset with me for getting pregnant outside of wedlock. We waited some time to tell my parents after that, and I still feel guilty about the worry I felt over telling them.
My father's reaction was not what I expected. He was calm and complacent and told me to be happy. My mother hit the roof. And then the morning sickness was absolutely awful. I welcomed that, though, because to me, being sick meant that my pregnancy was healthy. Ben and I started planning our wedding and things seemed to be going well.
Then in late October, I had an abnormal pain in my abdomen. I was worried, but it wasn't until I started spotting that I really became concerned. I made Ben take me to the ER. They pulled out an ultrasound machine and told me that the amniotic fluid sack was protruding into my cervix. They thought that it was leaking, accounting for my spotting and they gave me three options. 1) Wait and see 2) Fly to Denver 3) Terminate. There was no way Ben or I would choose to terminate, we loved our little baby. Ben made the decision to have me flown to Denver.
The doctors at University hospital told me that my sack was NOT leaking, but that it was protruding and that we had three options. 1) Wait and see, 2) Attempt a procedure to push the amniotic fluid sack back and sew the cervix shut or 3) Terminate. They said chances of her surviving option 1 were slim. The chances of 2 working were 50-50. We'd already determined that option 3 was not an option for us. I chose option number 2.
While I was being transported and the doctors were examining me, Ben was getting things together and calling people to let them know that I was in the hospital and something was wrong. He called my sister to let her know things weren't going well and she called my parents. It took him several hours to join me in Denver, but once he was there he never left my side.
The doctors said that in order to do option 2, they needed to make certain that I didn't have an infection and that they could do this by taking a sample of the amniotic fluid and test it, but there was a risk that this would start labor and if labor started, they wouldn't stop it because most likely then there WAS an infection. They said that if I went into labor, she would not survive because it was too early for her lungs to be developed.
I called my parents to let them know what was going on. My mother answered and it was the first time I'd heard her voice since I told my parents I was pregnant. That was when she finally realized that my Ben was a good guy, because he stuck with me all through our ordeal and kept the family in the loop.
The doctors took a sample of amniotic fluid (Which REALLY hurt) and about half an hour later, contractions started. I had 12 grueling hours of labor, knowing that my little baby wouldn't make it. Our pastor came down while I was in labor and prayed with us. He was there when my water broke. They delivered Donna Rose, determined that her heart wasn't beating, cleaned her up a little and placed her in my arms.
Since that time, Ben and I have grown even closer. He's been amazingly strong and such a comfort to me. Our wedding was three days before Christmas. We think our little girl would be pleased that her mommy and daddy are clinging to each other trying to get through all this.
For Her
She tosses through the night in broken sleepNo comfort does she find, no sweet repose
There is no help for her in counting sheep
For she can only dream of Donna Rose
The emptiness consumes her as she weeps
Her troubled mind is full of all her woes
Her broken heart a steady rhythm keeps
In honor of her darling Donna Rose
No sound she makes, no whisper, not a peep
Her silent tears she struggles to compose
Her memory, a jumbled, painful heap
And full of only thoughts of Donna Rose
She's overwhelmed for she did not suppose
That she could ever lose her Donna Rose.
December 12, 2010
Death reared his ugly head and looked me in the eye."The thing you cherish most is mine. It is no use to try.
I've come to steal your joy. I've come to dim your light.
I've come to magnify your pain and fill your soul with fright."
He took from me what I regarded as most dear
He pierced my soul clear through with his most cruel spear
He bruised my weakened heel and battered me about
He grasped my faith candle and tried to blow it out.
But with each breath he spent, the flame grew ever higher
In trying to dim my faith, he wrestled my messiah
Though I had little strength, he could not overcome
For God became my rock, my shelter and my home.
And Height and depth and death are powerless when faced
With God, his all surpassing love, his mercy and his grace
Donna Rose
Darling child, my precious little roseOnce I held you close within my womb
Now, my Lord has drawn you ever close
Never once were you allowed to bloom
Always to be claimed by death's repose
Restless here, I long to see my babe
Observe your life as you mature and grow
See your tiny hands, your precious face
Embrace you, love you, never let you go
