6 Years

Dear Donna Rose,

How is it possible that time has gone by so quickly? I feel like such a bad mommy to you sometimes. I meant to make you a cake for your 6th birthday, but somehow I didn't have the energy to do it, especially since your daddy wasn't going to be here tonight. Tony and I talk about you sometime. I think of you every time I cuddle your littlest sister. I'm very sad as I sit here tonight remembering your stillbirthday. Most of the time, though, I am just grateful for God's blessings. I am grateful that you will never know heartache. I am glad that you will never know fear or pain or any of the things that we have to go through to be purified so that someday we can see you again. In church this last weekend your brother and both your sisters wanted to sit on my lap and I remembered how empty my lap used to feel and now God has filled it to overflowing. Our family is so very blessed. But we still miss you and there is still a Donna Rose shaped hole in my heart. I hope you're having a wonderful birthday with Jesus. I sure miss you.

Love,

Mommy

Ruminations

Here we are approaching October once again and as usual at this time of year, my thoughts are full of Donna Rose. Every time I look at Marjorie Grace, I see little hints of what I believe Donna Rose would look like if she'd survived.

I was thinking about how easy it would have been to blame God for Donna Rose's death. But I've never blamed God. I've blamed myself and my sin. No one knows what causes incompetent cervix yet, but I suspect that my past actions may have played a role.

Ben doesn't place any blame on me. His anger is for the doctors who would have done nothing to support Donna Rose if she'd been born alive. That thought makes me a little angry too.

Reflections

My brother asked me recently how I felt about fourth children. It was his way of announcing that he and his wife are expecting their fourth child. He asked me this before our youngest, Marjorie Grace, was born. It didn't occur to me until after I'd hung up with him that Margie is our fourth, and then I felt guilty because while I didn't exactly forget Donna Rose, I didn't automatically include her in my mental list of my children.