Christmas

Last year Christmas was an ordeal for me. Everywhere I looked, people were celebrating Jesus babyhood and that was really, really hard for me. It wasn't much easier for Ben. It was like slap after slap in the face reminding me that MY baby was in a box on our memorial shelf for her, that I could never hold my baby again.

This year it's a little different. Ben and I got married close to Christmas, so this year I'm looking forward to celebrating our anniversary and Christmas together. This year, it's easier to see the hope of Christmas. It still hurts to think that Donna Rose isn't here. My friend has a little girl who was born close to Donna Rose's due date. He posted that she's started to walk and that brings tears to my eyes. If things had gone they way they should have, I'd have to keep a very close eye on my daughter to keep her from pulling the glass ornaments off of our tree. I'd be happily wrapping gifts to surprise her with on Christmas day. But things didn't work out that way.  However, because Jesus came to earth as a baby so many years ago, I have hope that someday I can spend Christmas with ALL of my children in heaven. Without the miracle of Christmas, my daughter's death would be final. We would be separated for all eternity. But because Christ came and because Christ died, I know that someday I will see Donna Rose and we can rejoice in Christ together.

Day 3

Yesterday, we said goodbye to our little angel when they sent us home from the hospital. I'm still so amazed at how perfectly formed she is, how tiny, how helpless.

It's good to be home, though hard not to have our beautiful little one with us. We're so grateful to our family and friends for all the support they've shown us. Last night, we had friends come love on us for a little while. Zipper was happy to see us. He knows something sad has happened and snuggles with all three of us, kisses all three of us, and tries to distract us with his playful behavior.

I keep thinking of how excited Ben was when we found out we were expecting. I am so blessed to have found such a good man. I've leaned on him a lot in the last couple of days, and he has held me up in so many ways. Ben has determined that I need my family and I think one of these days we'll be off on a spur of the moment road trip to go see them. I think he needs them as much as I do.

Meanwhile, we make preparations to celebrate the ever so brief life of our beautiful little girl.